The Shoulds Game
What if I told you “I should have a salad for dinner tonight?” What did I just tell you about myself? What did I tell you about how I relate to salad? Or even to food more broadly?
Now, what if I tell you “I will have a salad for dinner tonight?” How does that sound different?
What about “I want to have a salad for dinner tonight?” Now what am I communicating?
These three simple words: “Should,” “will,” and “want” make a big difference in how we communicate to ourselves and others. If I am using “should” with myself about eating a salad, what I’m actually suggesting is that I don’t want a salad. I am also communicating shame and judgment. There are underlying and shaming beliefs about myself, my body, and food that are being reinforced. Even if I actually like salad and want to eat one for dinner, by using “should” I am strengthening these hurtful beliefs. By restating the sentence as “I want to eat a salad,” I am removing the negative undercurrents and instead fortifying my agency to choose what feels good for my body. Of course, I may honestly not want to eat a salad, which is where the Shoulds Game comes in.
The Shoulds Game is a simple one. When you catch yourself using the word should, pause and repeat the sentence with the word want instead. Listen to your body and your reaction. Did your new sentence feel true? If so, repeat it again. This is something you truly want. If it didn’t feel true, acknowledge that and explore what needs to change to make it more true.
One of my favorite examples of playing this game was when I used it in a group therapy session for young adults. There was a woman who was struggling to complete her dissertation for graduate school. The statement she brought to the group was “I should spend all weekend working on my dissertation.” Then, in front of the whole group, she had to say her new statement out loud. She could barely get the words “I want to spend all weekend working on my dissertation” out of her mouth without laughing. She knew viscerally that it was not true. Over the course of the group session, she was able to develop a new statement: “I want to make progress on my dissertation and will work on it for a few hours this weekend. I also want to see my friends this weekend.” Of course there are things we need to do in life that we don’t want to do. The challenge here is to find what you do want and to talk about it without shame.
Another way we play the Shoulds Game is by highlighting what’s really important to you. When a someone says something like “I should be married by now,” there is room to explore with genuine curiosity. “Do you want to be married by now?” If the answer is yes, then there’s a discussion of what’s gotten in the way. If the answer is no, there’s room to reassess one’s values and goals outside of expectations from others.
Once you’ve played the Shoulds Game a couple times, it pretty easily comes up on it’s own. You may start noticing when you use the word “should” in conversation. You might even start changing it to “will” or “want” out of habit to see how it feels. If you’ve read this far, than you are up for the challenge! Go ahead and play the Shoulds Game and get curious about what it is you actually want!
