Coping with Uncertainty: Part 2
I’ve found in my work over the years, that there are three main ways of coping with uncertainty. I call these the Three Doors, because the doors all lead to greater peace in uncertainty, but each one provides a different perspective and skills to get you there. The Three Doors are: Focusing on What I can Control, Recognizing How I will be Ok, and Accepting Groundlessness.
This is the second blog post in the series.
Door 2: How do I know I’ll be Ok?
This is a question I ask often in therapy sessions. For many people, along with the fear of uncertainty is a belief that they cannot handle whatever might be unknown. It’s easy to focus on all of the unanswerable questions, often in the form of “what ifs.” Instead, I like to challenge clients to looks at their resources and resilience. One powerful element of this questions is that we are automatically assuming you will be ok. The question is not “will I be ok,” which is an important difference. We are already putting some ground under your feet, even if you don’t totally believe it. Also remember that “ok” does not mean happy. No one is expecting you to be happy about losing your job, the illness of a loved one, or other scary uncertainties. But we can believe in a future where you are ok. So, I challenge you answer it: In the face of this particular uncertain situation, how do you know you’ll be ok?
People give lots of wonderful answers to this question. Here are two scenarios with examples.
A client has just lost their job. There’s a lot of uncertainty about when they will find work again and how they will make ends meet. In answering the question, the clients tells me about family and friends who will love and support them, skills they bring to the job hunting process, and new things they will learn through the experience of unemployment. It’s not all warm of fuzzy, though. Being ok might include needing to move back in with their parents or crash with a friend. The client might need to change their job expectations or even move to a less expensive part of the country. There are things they may not be happy about, but when asked about being ok, they are able to identify what needs they will be able to meet.
Another example I have come across a lot in my work, is helping clients be ok after the loss of a loved one. It can be hard to believe in a happy future when in a state of deep grief. In answering the questions, clients have told me about believing that they can survive the grief. Being ok means feeling and acknowledging the pain, taking it one day at a time, and learning about their own resilience. For clients who are grieving, finding peace with uncertainty becomes an important step towards acceptance.
Another very similar question to ask is: What in my life is not changing?
An example is a client who is moving to a new city for school. They don’t know if they’ll make new friends, what it will be like to live there, and how they will cope with the stressors of school. It’s easy to feel like everything in their life is about to change. So instead, we explore what isn’t changing. They think about friends and family who will call and visit, their internal resources that helped them succeed in the past, and future resources the school will provide. When asked how they know they’ll be ok, the client tells me about how they are excited for their course work, new things they want to do in the city, and the opportunities for growth they see ahead. By grounding them in their unchanging resources and giving them permission to believe they’ll be ok, we have helped them resolve fear of the uncertainty.
As you sit with “how you know you’ll be ok” and “what isn’t changing,” what do you notice about your own sense of uncertainty? This may be an exercise to return to regularly if you’re coping with an ongoing uncertainty. If this ever feels too vague, you can go back to try Door 1: What do I have control over? Next month I’ll be writing about the third and final Door: Accepting Groundlessness.
