Coping with Parental Expectations
“Part of growing up is to choose between those expectations that we can meet and those that we can’t, be they about our sexual identity, our careers or our place to live. Until we get past the ‘childish’ feelings of guilt and the helplessness, it’s impossible to connect with our own sense of how much, or how little we want to live our parent’s un-lived lives.” Lysanne Sizoo (http://www.healthyneurotics.com/parental-expectations/)
Regardless of your relationship with your parents, at some point you have been in conflict with their expectations for you. If we don’t stop to notice and assess these expectations, we can end up feeling guilty, resentful, and uncomfortable. We may have internalized these expectations without ever asking if we agree. It can be helpful to understand the expectations of our parents in order to cope with them and choose what we want to keep. Below are several types of expectations and exercises to help you asses what’s right for you.
Types of expectations:
1) “I wanted a ____ (boy, girl, athlete, geek, etc).” The parent imagined something about having kids and communicates this. The parent might say it overtly (“I always wanted a kid to throw a ball around with”) or covertly (“Why don’t you ever want to throw a ball around with me?”)
2) Extension of self. Since biological children literally come from their parents and share DNA, it can be easy for parents to assume their kids will be like them. If a kid is not biologically related, a parent may still assume that they will be able to give certain qualities through nurture. These assumptions can lead to expectations about the kid’s temperament, interests, health, etc. This can also be a sign of poor boundaries. In some cases, the parent sees the child as an extension of themselves rather than their own person.
3) Expected family roles. Children always take on roles within their families. These roles often include the golden child, the rebel, the scape goat, the responsible one, the day dreamer, the family clown, and the family peace maker. In healthier families, the kid has flexibility to try out different roles at different times. In less functional families, children become trapped in a single role. Parents may have an expectation of a child to fill a certain role based on the needs of the family system, culture, or birth order. For example, the oldest child may be expected to be responsible.
4) Unlived Life. We all have an unlived life. It’s the alternative universe where you went left instead of right. It might be that parents did not have the means or opportunity to pursue a dream. Or maybe they still wonder what would have happened if they’d settled down with “the one that got away.” As parents guide their children through life, these unlived lives influence their judgment. This can put a lot of pressure on a child to fill in the gaps of what the parent feels is missing for themselves.
Often this is done subconsciously. Other times, it is very overt. For example, in an immigrant family, parents may clearly communicate sacrifices that were made so that the children can be successful. Those sacrifices represent an unlived life.
5) Cultural definitions of success. Parents want their kids to be successful. That looks different based on family culture. One family may define success as happiness. Another family may define success as a prestigious job or big paycheck. Regardless of how success is defined, parents’ expectations may put pressure on the child to succeed. A child whose parents want them to be happy, may feel pressure to always be happy and hide problems. A child whose parents want them to make a lot of money, may feel forced into a career track that doesn’t fit them.
6) A door has closed. The parents may have an expectation that their adult child will achieve the same things as them through life. This could be buying a house, reaching a certain level of employment, gaining access to school, etc. In this case, the child may very well want the same thing as their parents, but those goals are no longer attainable (or much harder) due to cultural forces. For example, racism looks different in different generations. An adult child who is a person of color faces different challenges than their parents, which may change or limit their options. The financial crisis is another example. Parents may not see the impact of these cultural changes and be frustrated with their children instead.
7) Religious Expectations Families for whom religion plays an important role, can have additional expectations related to faith practices. This can include expectations of what their children eat, how they conduct their lives, who they marry, and more. Some adult children may embrace these traditions and expectations while others may want to push back.
Coping with the pressure: Here are some questions you might ask yourself about your own experiences with parental expectations.
Identifying your values In order to decide what expectations we’ll meet and what we won’t, we need to know our values. What is important to you in your life in general? What’s important in your relationships? What is important in family relationships? How do these values differ from your parents? How are they similar?
Seeing your family role What is your family role? Is it flexible or rigid? Did you choose this role? Did your parents choose this role for you? Or did it evolve all on its own? How might that role have helped you in the past? Is it helping you now? What other roles might you want?
Radical Acceptance This term implies accepting things as they are, even when it’s hard. When it comes to parental expectations, this means accepting that you will not meet all of their expectations. You may choose not to meet certain expectations. You may not be physically able to meet others. Radical acceptance may also mean accepting your parents as they are. This might mean understanding their expectations of you through a cultural context. Or it could mean understanding that the expectations, however mismatched to you, come from a loving place. Accepting and understanding your parents does not mean you have to agree or give into the pressure from them. What are you needing to accept about expectations and your parents?
Setting boundaries Given the answers to the questions above, you can start to think about what boundaries you might want to set. We can accept our parents as they are, and their limitations. We can see what we value. We can understand the role we have and the role(s) we want. What boundaries will help you move in the direction you want to go? Do these boundaries mean a behavioral change (studying what you are passionate about)? Does it mean an emotional change (not internalizing negative comments about your choices)? Does it mean an interpersonal change (calling less often)? How would you communicate these changes to your parents? Do you need to?
